Family and Being Alone

Well, it's been a few weeks since I was on here.  I have been doing REALLY well!!!  I have spent a lot of family time with...well...my family!  We are doing more just the four of us and visiting family out of town.  It's so refreshing to not have to TRY so hard to be liked.  My girlies are keeping me busy with summer activities and I haven't had to "deal" with friends for a few weeks now.  I think I'm finally realizing...I want friends, but I need to nurture my introvertedness.  I do really well when I have alone time.  I think this past year I spent too much time with others, felt like I wasn't complete if I wasn't around a bunch of people and felt left out when I wasn't a part of everything!  But, you know I haven't really been doing anything with anyone outside of my family for a month now and I feel so much more content.  Sad isn't it?  :0)  I like being with people, I just think I was around them too much and was forgetting that I can't get my happiness from them.  I'm hoping that this next year will be WAY dif. from the last.  Look at this....I'm rambling!!!  :0)

This weekend was sooo much fun.  I got to play with my baby niece A. all weekend.  My bro and Sis-in-law came to go thru some storage units with my parents and I got to babysit.  So much fun.  I got my baby fix.  YAY!!!

Tonight I will be doing my 2nd 2 min. run session.  2 Min. run with 1 min walk for 7 reps.  I was so proud of myself for completing my first 2 min. run cycle.  Can't wait to prove to myself that I can do it again.  I'm going to take my 8 year old with me today....if she wants to go.  She LOVES to run and I'm hoping next year to run a fun run with her that she has run twice already.  She wants to run a marathon...but I don't think I'm ready for that!!!  Hee hee!!!

Finding my smile this summer is getting easier and easier...until next time!  Loves to all!!!

Run Baby Run!

I have decided that I can find a little more of my happy by regaining my skinny body...OK Maybe "Skinny" isn't the right word...but I def. want to see muscles again in my legs and arms.  Hopefully my stomach will follow suit.  I started a running program on Sat.  All it entailed was run for one min, walk for 90 sec. and repeat for 8 times.  It kicked my ASS!!!  I am sooooo out of shape, I can't believe it. 

My brother has me hooked on zombie books and I decided that if there was ever a zombie attack...well, in my shape, I would be dead in seconds!!!  So, hopefully I'll be able to keep this up.  I'm a little scared about running because I was in a major car accident in 1998 and broke my back in 2 places.  In the past, I've had trouble running because my bones feel like they are grinding together...but I have high hopes this time!  Fingers crossed.

I have one more day left on 1 min run/90 Sec. walk then I graduate to run 2 min.'s walk 1 min and repeat for 7 times...3 days in week 2...AAaaahhhh!!!  :0)  I'm so sorry body, that I have neglected you for so long and you have to go thru this pain...please forgive me!

Taking On a Project

So, the past couple of days I have seen these ad's for the Belly Band.  It's this band of fabric that when worn under a shirt makes it look like you are wearing a long tank top underneath...it kind of extends your shirt for pregnant women.  Well, I'm not pregnant...I was trying to cover my back side every time I bend over or squat down.  So, I went to Good Will and got a few tanks and I'm going to cut the tops off and finish the edge and go with that.  Instead of costing me $20 a piece they cost me under $4 and some under $3.  I like that pricing a lot better. 

The funny thing is, while I was looking at the tanks....my girls were doing some "shopping" of their own.  When I finally caught up with them, Amanda had picked out about 4 tops for herself and Sarah had about 10!  They were so proud of themselves.  My first impulse was to make them put them back, but I let them pick one shirt a piece to keep...heck they were only a couple dollars...but you know, now that I think about it....we could get brand new shirts for just about the same price at WalMart!  Hmph!

While we were there, I ran into the oldest daughter of my old boss from about 10 years ago.  She looked fantastic with baby #5 on the way!  It was good to see her and catch up on how her family is doing.

Today made me smile....finding my happy 1 day at a time!

In the words of Christian Grey....LATERS!!!

Missing You

 This is L.  I met her my senior year of high school (her jr year)  She had been having trouble with some of her friends she had grown up with and was feeling pretty lonely.  I was the "new" girl.  We had just moved to the area (my 7th high school in 4 years).  I remember her moaning about who she was going to eat with at school, and her mother suggested that she find someone new that didn't know anyone and ask them to eat lunch with her.(at the time we both thought that was such lame, Mom advice....but oh, so wise now)  Well, the first day of school happened, I ate with my younger brother who was a freshman, and I'm not sure what L did.  But, after school was the first swim practice for the girls swim team.  During practice, L asked if I would like to have lunch with her the next day...I said "Sure!  But, can I bring my brother with me?"  We were best friends from that day on. 

We were actually only in the same city for about 2 years...then my father was stationed in HI, then VA and I went to college in WA.  But, we always seemed to stay connected in a way that none of my other friends and I ever did.  I have L to thank for that.  I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch.  L kinda forced me to be a better friend and I'm so thankful for that. 

I'm not sure when L told me that she had Cystic Fibrosis (CF).  It's like I've always known.  She had a horrible cough...but I was used to that kind of coughing because of my brother's asthma.  So, it really didn't bother me.  In fact, it became my goal to make her laugh so much she would have a coughing fit. It was my way of helping her get the goo out...therapy...you know!

Even though we spent more time apart in our 23 year friendship, she was the closest thing I got to having a sister.  We knew everything about each other.  We would fight...but with never a fear that it wouldn't be forgiven.  I could be rude to her and she to me and we would just let it roll.  We were so diff. and yet so much alike.  I was tall, she was short.  I was healthy, she was sick.  I am a republican, she's so democrate she was almost a communist!  :0)  We could have debates about anything, disagree, argue...then in the next breath be laughing so hard our sides would ache.

I tell you all this because I lost, really, the only true friend I've had (other than my husband and mother) to that horrible disease she had...CF last spring.  I mourn her more and more each day and I think that may be playing a big part in my feelings of unhappiness, inadiquacies, and over all just yucky-ness!  Her mother lost her best friend in college...so her advice to me after L died was to go out and make a new friend...not to replace L, but to fill the void that was left there when she passed.  I tell ya, I've tried.  But, frankly every friendship I've made so far has left me wanting, or feeling toxic.

My future friends have HUGE shoes to fill and after reading this back...I just realized I shouldn't compromise too much on what I need in a friendship.  Granted, I prob. won't find anyone like L again but some of the things I feel my current friends are doing...hmmmmm....well let's just say not much trust on my part.  And, it makes me want to curl up and protect myself and cut myself off from them.  I'll get into that more in the future, I'm sure....but for now...I think I'll go.  I've written enough for today.

I miss you L...ALWAYS!!!!

Finding My Happy One Day At A Time

Today I start this journal on my quest to find my happy.  I have, I believe, entered the age of finding myself again.  I used to be such a self asured girl...woman.   But, a lot has happened in the past few years to make me so unsure of myself.  My Dr. wants to put me on anti-depressants and I just DON'T want that!!!!  I'm not sure exactly when I started feeling so inadiquate...but now it seems like every day I'm just not good enough!  I totally do this to myself, too.  My husband and kids have NEVER said or done anything to make me feel the way I do.  I just...don't measure up in my mind! 

I know I'm capable of so much more...but just don't have the energy to become that person I always thought I was going to be.  So, today I am thinking I need to start a change.  I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it...but hey, life is a journey of exploration and change...so here I go!!!!

I thought I should list some of the things that have been bothering me over the following posts...this will be an on-going list...so be warned...