Missing You

 This is L.  I met her my senior year of high school (her jr year)  She had been having trouble with some of her friends she had grown up with and was feeling pretty lonely.  I was the "new" girl.  We had just moved to the area (my 7th high school in 4 years).  I remember her moaning about who she was going to eat with at school, and her mother suggested that she find someone new that didn't know anyone and ask them to eat lunch with her.(at the time we both thought that was such lame, Mom advice....but oh, so wise now)  Well, the first day of school happened, I ate with my younger brother who was a freshman, and I'm not sure what L did.  But, after school was the first swim practice for the girls swim team.  During practice, L asked if I would like to have lunch with her the next day...I said "Sure!  But, can I bring my brother with me?"  We were best friends from that day on. 

We were actually only in the same city for about 2 years...then my father was stationed in HI, then VA and I went to college in WA.  But, we always seemed to stay connected in a way that none of my other friends and I ever did.  I have L to thank for that.  I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch.  L kinda forced me to be a better friend and I'm so thankful for that. 

I'm not sure when L told me that she had Cystic Fibrosis (CF).  It's like I've always known.  She had a horrible cough...but I was used to that kind of coughing because of my brother's asthma.  So, it really didn't bother me.  In fact, it became my goal to make her laugh so much she would have a coughing fit. It was my way of helping her get the goo out...therapy...you know!

Even though we spent more time apart in our 23 year friendship, she was the closest thing I got to having a sister.  We knew everything about each other.  We would fight...but with never a fear that it wouldn't be forgiven.  I could be rude to her and she to me and we would just let it roll.  We were so diff. and yet so much alike.  I was tall, she was short.  I was healthy, she was sick.  I am a republican, she's so democrate she was almost a communist!  :0)  We could have debates about anything, disagree, argue...then in the next breath be laughing so hard our sides would ache.

I tell you all this because I lost, really, the only true friend I've had (other than my husband and mother) to that horrible disease she had...CF last spring.  I mourn her more and more each day and I think that may be playing a big part in my feelings of unhappiness, inadiquacies, and over all just yucky-ness!  Her mother lost her best friend in college...so her advice to me after L died was to go out and make a new friend...not to replace L, but to fill the void that was left there when she passed.  I tell ya, I've tried.  But, frankly every friendship I've made so far has left me wanting, or feeling toxic.

My future friends have HUGE shoes to fill and after reading this back...I just realized I shouldn't compromise too much on what I need in a friendship.  Granted, I prob. won't find anyone like L again but some of the things I feel my current friends are doing...hmmmmm....well let's just say not much trust on my part.  And, it makes me want to curl up and protect myself and cut myself off from them.  I'll get into that more in the future, I'm sure....but for now...I think I'll go.  I've written enough for today.

I miss you L...ALWAYS!!!!